For some reason, whenever I get ready to either workout or shower AJ decides she NEEDS me. She will cry like her little heart is breaking, even if she was DEAD asleep when I put her down to begin working out or getting in the shower.
I will feed her, burp her AND change her diaper before putting her to sleep so I KNOW I'm doing my part! But as soon as I get started doing something for me, she FREAKS out and it is all I can do to finish what I started.
I know she's only 7 weeks old and that at this age I am one of the few things that will make her happy. And I'm mostly okay with that. But sometimes I just want to cry. I look in the mirror and I see how far I let myself go while pregnant with her (or I look at pictures from before I got pregnant with her) and I just want to do whatever it takes to get back to where I was. Then she starts to cry & I think to myself that I'm just going to give up and be fat until I don't have little people who need me all the time.
I mean, my kids will still love me even if I'm fat & stinky. Mark will too. Unfortunately, I put both Mark & the kids to the test for most of the last 7 years on that one. And I can look relatively cute even if I am dressed in plus size clothes. I know what type of clothes look good on me. I have a pretty face & nice enough hair. Its not like I'd be gross and never put forth effort or something.
But I know that I won't be happy if I give up. I know that I will be so cruel to myself, even if no one but me ever knows the extent of it, I will think & do things that will break my heart. I know that I will always wonder if Mark will really still love me no matter what. I will wonder if I embarrass my kids by being a fat mom. And I will start to slowly hate my sisters, my friends and myself more & more. I will even begin to wonder if it is worth living when I am so unhappy. I know because those were all the things I thought & felt for YEARS before I finally got serious and took control of my health & physical fitness.
So I'll continue on even when I feel like giving up. I'll let my baby cry when I know she's just fine and I'll stop shaving my legs so my shower can be over faster. I'll even skip cardio on my strength days so she doesn't have to scream any longer.
But please, someone just tell me I'll actually meet my goals & all the times I've felt like a big, fat failure as a mom, wife & person will all be worth it. Please?
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Oh Maggie, I'm sorry to see you struggling... I know it's hard but just remember that for as much as she's crying now she'll cry even harder if she loses you. This is for YOUR health and to help you live longer, right? Do it for you, do it for them. Those feelings of feeling down make it SO hard to get up and move and those itty bitty, teensy weensy, numbers on the scale mean NOTHING until you add them all up... Keep it up and remember that it's okay to put her in her crib and turn on the radio in the bathroom and sing while you shower. >.<
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