Back in the Saddle?

I don't love shame. I appreciate it. I don't love putting pictures of myself, looking like THIS, out on the internet for all to see. But I do it. I don't love knowing that I was on a path that would take me directly to the healthy, fit, HOT body I've never had IN MY LIFE and that I decided to go off that path. But I admit when I've made a choice that doesn't work. I want to be accountable. I want to be healthy. I want to eat right, exercise daily and reach the goals I've set for myself.

So what's my major malfunction?!?

I looked at my "progress" pictures from April & while I'd like to believe it is the difference in the camera angle or the swimsuit I was wearing I can tell that my body is NOT going towards physical fitness and health & being thinner than I've ever been before. I have SEVERELY backtracked. In April I weighed around 175 (some days more, some less) and today I weighed 188.8. In April I was beginning to look to the day when I would be buying size 10 jeans (for, LITERALLY, the first time in my life). In April I felt good, I looked good and I KNEW what I was capable of. Today I look & feel GROSS. I am wearing size 14 shorts because my size 12 shorts feel uncomfortably tight. I regret getting rid of some of my fat clothes because I know that THEY would camouflage this chubby belly I've got going on from eating too many carbs.

I realized this morning that in about 4 weeks I will be seeing my sister, Olivia(who I love and adore SOOO much!) for the first time since last Thanksgiving. This is the same sister whose wedding pictures I felt I ruined by being so fat last summer. This is the same sister who I always wanted to be like when I grew up (and I still look to her as an example of beauty, grace & determination). I was ashamed to realize that I wouldn't be proud for her to see me like I look today. I was ashamed when I know all that she has overcome & accomplished in her life (most of it as a single mom) and I can't even overcome my poor eating & exercise habits when I have a husband who supports me (emotionally & financially), friends who encourage me & the knowledge to assist me in becoming someone I WOULD be proud for my sister to see.

After realizing this I got my poop in a group, got my girls dressed & we headed to the gym. I feel so good about the work out I put in that I am already ready to go again tomorrow! I am thinking of goals to set for myself so that I can achieve them. I am thinking of what food I'll eat & what clothes I'll wear. I'm back in the saddle!

I have some people to talk to first but I want to post my goals here so you all can ask me about them as time passes to assist me in keeping accountable. Watch for those in the next day or two. I plan to weigh myself weekly & this time I really AM going to take pictures of the scale & post those pictures here. I plan to be able to see my sister and be proud of the body I've created, the mind frame that will get me there & everything that goes along with that.

Pictures & Report

Not a lot to say. Here are some pictures from yesterday & today. 

Here is the scale first thing yesterday morning. It hasn't read this in over 3 months. Awesome...

 

Here is a front view from today. Notice the really nice look on my face? Apparently Mark can't wait for me to be ready before he takes the picture. Oh well, I'm more concerned with how *hot* my belly looks!

 

Alright, just a side view from today. Not too bad, I think my belly has been flatter but NOT as gross as I was afraid it would be after this last week's experiment.

 

Back view from today. Not getting any smaller just yet but I am happy to report that I HAVE gone down over 10 inches on my hips since September. I think that is pretty good progress.

 

And the grand finale! This is what the scale read this morning! After just ONE day of eating better and exercising! I am so happy!

Final results of my experiment: I didn't get any smaller and only ONE of my measurements went up and it only went up by a 1/4". Not too bad considering. The scale DID go up almost 10 full pounds but after one day BACK on track it is back down almost SEVEN full pounds! I haven't braved any of my shorts or pants just yet, I'm "saving" that for Monday!

One last note; I frequent a blog where the author takes pictures of her scale and I think I'm going to as well. Seeing those numbers out there like this is making it so real. Knowing that any person who stumbles upon my blog can see what I weigh is sobering and is going to drive me and keep me accountable. So these 2 pictures are the first of many. I will post new pictures weekly when I weigh in. Keep coming back to see how this progresses.

Oh, wait! I guess I probably have a "lesson learned" in here somewhere too. UMMMM, basically I HATE living unhealthy. After all this time of eating right, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep; etc. I just don't find the appeal of that old lifestyle. As I said a few posts back, it was getting painful living so "dirty". Being back on the clean, healthy lifestyle I've gotten used to tells me that I will not only be successful in reaching my goal weight of 135 pounds, I will be successful in MAINTAINING that weight for the rest of my life!

Friday UPDATE

I just got back from the gym & after just ONE full day of eating better and exercising I feel SO AWESOME! No headache, not tired AT ALL and I just put in a hard core workout! I am so glad I am back on track, I'm not even afraid to take pictures tomorrow!
YAY!

Thursday/Friday

Day 7 and Day 8, final days of the experiment.
I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the bloaty, gassy feelings. I couldn't take the headaches and the heartburn. I couldn't take the way my clothes are (not) fitting. The experiment is OVER.
I weighed myself this morning. I'm not sure WHAT I was expecting but it CERTAINLY wasn't what I saw; 190.0!
Okay, an almost 10 pound weight gain in just a WEEK is madness! I "comfort" myself with the knowledge that I only went to boot camp twice in that time and the only other "exercise" I got was random errand running and chasing after my girls (what little of that there was). 
I think back on all the NASTY things I put in my body this week and I want to barf, then cry then barf again (just to get it all OUT!!!). I went from drinking water to drinking diet soda to drinking regular soda. I went from eating a small bowl of raisin bran (primarily for the fiber) to eating BIG bowls (yes MULTIPLE) of Fruit Loops. I went from barely eating any bread, pasta or potatoes to eating waffles, bagels, sandwiches on 2 slices of bread, pasta or pizza for dinner and french fries like they're being discontinued. I went from having a sweet treat every now & again to (I swear) one day I'm pretty sure I ate very little OTHER than treats and candy. *GAG*
So, now I'm SO OVER IT!!! I'm ready to recommit. I'm ready to master physical myself & release all the pounds and fat that I have allowed to drag me down and hold me back. As promised, there will be pictures of myself and my scale tomorrow. I will post regular (weekly?) pictures of the scale as I make me way down to my goal weight. I will be scrupulous in my food tracking and I will be accountable in my intake.
I AM a beautiful, honest, joyful woman of light.

Wendesday

Day 6 of the big experiment. I didn't work out today. I am finding that my allergies are doing a fantastic job of stealing away my sleep so that I feel like I've been hit by a truck when my alarm goes off. Add into that the fact that my period just started (YAY for womanhood!) and the ridiculous headaches I've been getting almost daily and I couldn't drag myself out of bed to get dressed and go work out. I'm *thinking* I'll see about going to the gym this evening while Mark and Jay are at scouts, we'll see. It'll be nearly bedtime for the girls so I'll wait to decide for sure based off how this afternoon's naps go.
I still haven't gotten on the scale either. I'm actually pretty proud of the restraint I'm showing by NOT weighing myself. I am pretty obsessed with what it says so the fact that I'm staying off is pretty good for me. At least I know I have self control in at least ONE thing!
I've only eaten a little today too. I had Cheerios for breakfast with 1% milk (we ran out of skim and my sister was kind enough to give us the milk they don't use at her house, THANKS RACHEL!!!). I ate a Popsicle that was delicious and I also had some jujubes. Healthy? Nah, but it isn't even lunch yet. I'm planning on ham and cheese with mustard for lunch. And dinner is going to be marinated salmon and some kind of veggie. The interesting thing I'm finding is that even though I'm not "trying" to eat healthy I just sort of plan my main meals that way no matter what. Now to get the snacking under control and I may have a solution!
Another thing to factor in is that Jay is leaving tomorrow morning. He will be visiting his dad and grandparents for the summer. He will be gone until right before school starts again in the fall. He goes every summer and it never gets easier (at least so far it hasn't). I avoid doing ANYTHING to get him ready any earlier than I absolutely HAVE to. I avoid thinking about it as much as possible. As much as I want to believe that he is just as loved and watched over while he's away I just don't. It is probably just the fact that I don't want anyone to be doing MY job (raising my son) but sometimes I wonder what he'll be like in the future because this has been the arrangement for so much of his life.
Anyway, I'm moody, emotional, tired and sick from my allergies. Who else is having a great day?!?

My weekend recap

Since yesterday was Memorial Day I figure today is the REAL start to the week so I am going to recap my weekend.
Let me start by saying, I feel like CRAP. I ate like crap, I slept like crap and I worked out. I was actually pretty good, I went to boot camp yesterday morning & made it through the entire hour. This morning I only made it through 45 minutes but I kept getting a weird, crampy, barfy feeling. I finally went to the restroom to see if I could just barf & be done with it but it just gave me that super fun, stuck in the back of my throat feeling that is one of the main reasons why I avoided throwing up at all costs. So I left early, came home and got right back into bed. I slept until I HAD to get up with the kids and I'm crossing my fingers that I will get to shower soon & then get my errands for the day taken care of before I collapse from exhaustion.
So here is a rundown of the last few days;
FRIDAY---First day of summer vacation. With no reason to get the kids up & off somewhere I skipped boot camp & slept until forced out of bed by Lizzie playing in the backyard by the (for some ODD reason) OPEN pool gate. FREAKED me OUT! Seriously, THAT had my heart rate up as high as a set of mountain climbers, EASY! Thursday night was a late one and we had a pretty lazy day on Friday. I honestly can't remember anything of note that we did!
SATURDAY---Friday was my sister's birthday so I knew I was going out for appetizers & dessert with her, our mom & our other sister on Saturday night. You'd think that would've motivated me to make healthy food choices throughout the day to "make up" for it, wouldn't you? Well, it didn't. I ate waffles for breakfast, something gross for lunch, NO dinner and then I had chicken potstickers for an appetizer & shared THREE different kinds of dessert with my mom & sisters. After dessert my birthday sister & I went out to karaoke and I drank water & diet coke. Then we split an order of sliders with my BFF and her hubby around 1 in the morning. At least I danced a fair amount & I KNOW dancing is an excellent form of exercise!
SUNDAY---I'm going to pretend Sunday didn't happen until around 4 p.m. when we headed out to my BFF's house for a Memorial Day party & BBQ. Seriously, NOT a morning/early afternoon that I will think of fondly in future years. Ate the BEST BBQ chicken EVER along with potato salad, deviled eggs, pasta salad, sliced apples, tortilla chips & bean dip, potato chips & ranch dip and some sliced cucumbers (so I can feel like I ate SOMETHING good) and some super yummy chocolate peanut butter squares that were SOOO delish and slightly addicting. Top it off with a Pepsi and some fruit punch and then a "firecracker" Popsicle and then falling asleep in the car on the ride home. AWESOME.
MONDAY---I've already mentioned that I worked out yesterday morning and then I had a small bowl of raisin bran post-workout. Around 10 I got a call from my sister that our family would be swimming and BBQ-ing at her house from around 11:30 on so I got my girls together and we headed over there around noon. I shared a hamburger with my pregnant sister, for myself I had a hot dog and plenty of chips. I drank WAY too much soda, not enough water and barely made it into the water before my baby needed to be out and playing inside. For dinner I had a leftover hamburger. I almost forgot, I also ate 2 slices of chocolate cake, half a slice of coconut cream pie and one Popsicle. I stopped eating right before I went to bed, around 8 p.m.
Today is somewhat better. I have no party or family get together scheduled. I have no chocolate cake or pie in my house. I'm planning on having grilled chicken and steamed broccoli for dinner. I DID have waffles for breakfast and I'm majorly regretting them now. I still feel pretty nasty from this weekend. I'm thinking of doing a cleanse. Anyone have any suggestions of a good one?!?
So far the results of my experiment are as follows; I am bloated, oh yes, I am bloated. My belly is so flabby and gross. After eating yesterday I could've SWORN it was a pregnant belly I had, so round and HUGE! I am still avoiding the scale but my size 14 shorts are fitting a little more snug then they were last week. I'm tired 24/7 and I feel like I'm almost FORCING myself to make poor food choices over the healthy ones. At least I know my healthy eating is an ingrained habit at this point!
I may give up on my experiment a little early. This is getting almost painful. We'll see...