For some reason, whenever I get ready to either workout or shower AJ decides she NEEDS me. She will cry like her little heart is breaking, even if she was DEAD asleep when I put her down to begin working out or getting in the shower.
I will feed her, burp her AND change her diaper before putting her to sleep so I KNOW I'm doing my part! But as soon as I get started doing something for me, she FREAKS out and it is all I can do to finish what I started.
I know she's only 7 weeks old and that at this age I am one of the few things that will make her happy. And I'm mostly okay with that. But sometimes I just want to cry. I look in the mirror and I see how far I let myself go while pregnant with her (or I look at pictures from before I got pregnant with her) and I just want to do whatever it takes to get back to where I was. Then she starts to cry & I think to myself that I'm just going to give up and be fat until I don't have little people who need me all the time.
I mean, my kids will still love me even if I'm fat & stinky. Mark will too. Unfortunately, I put both Mark & the kids to the test for most of the last 7 years on that one. And I can look relatively cute even if I am dressed in plus size clothes. I know what type of clothes look good on me. I have a pretty face & nice enough hair. Its not like I'd be gross and never put forth effort or something.
But I know that I won't be happy if I give up. I know that I will be so cruel to myself, even if no one but me ever knows the extent of it, I will think & do things that will break my heart. I know that I will always wonder if Mark will really still love me no matter what. I will wonder if I embarrass my kids by being a fat mom. And I will start to slowly hate my sisters, my friends and myself more & more. I will even begin to wonder if it is worth living when I am so unhappy. I know because those were all the things I thought & felt for YEARS before I finally got serious and took control of my health & physical fitness.
So I'll continue on even when I feel like giving up. I'll let my baby cry when I know she's just fine and I'll stop shaving my legs so my shower can be over faster. I'll even skip cardio on my strength days so she doesn't have to scream any longer.
But please, someone just tell me I'll actually meet my goals & all the times I've felt like a big, fat failure as a mom, wife & person will all be worth it. Please?
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Monday, Monday
I'm feeling very blah today. I'm tired and not motivated to workout at all. Luckily my workout on BL:UW (Biggest Loser: Ultimate Workout) was yoga, which was SUPER easy since I'm only doing "light" intensity. My plan is to change that to "moderate" after I see my midwife next month but we'll see.
Anyway, I was also going to do the elliptical for 20 minutes but I am just so tired. I didn't get enough sleep last night (partly my own fault by napping in the afternoon yesterday and partly AJ's fault for wanting to play at 4 this morning after finishing her bottle~little stinker) and apparently one Diet Pepsi isn't enough caffeine to perk up this tired mama.
Now it is almost time for me to get my 2 oldest from school and then it will be homework and chores and making dinner. Not long after dinner is bedtime and then I'll *maybe* have time to get on the elliptical (if AJ will let me, she loves being held~A LOT) but will I have the energy or motivation? Who knows?
There isn't much point to this post other than I didn't meet my goal of updating 3 times last week (I was sick all week & AJ wasn't 100% either so I spent a lot of time holding her while laying on the couch) and I want to do better at that this week. On the bright side (since this has mostly just been a real downer of an update) I weighed myself this morning and I am back down to 248 lbs. If I ever needed MORE proof that carbs are NOT my friend (read carbs as :junk food) that right there is it. I have had very few carbs since Thursday last week and here I am, already 4 pounds lighter! Maybe this will make passing up the carbs the next time I'm under the weather a little easier? Guess we'll see.
Anyway, I was also going to do the elliptical for 20 minutes but I am just so tired. I didn't get enough sleep last night (partly my own fault by napping in the afternoon yesterday and partly AJ's fault for wanting to play at 4 this morning after finishing her bottle~little stinker) and apparently one Diet Pepsi isn't enough caffeine to perk up this tired mama.
Now it is almost time for me to get my 2 oldest from school and then it will be homework and chores and making dinner. Not long after dinner is bedtime and then I'll *maybe* have time to get on the elliptical (if AJ will let me, she loves being held~A LOT) but will I have the energy or motivation? Who knows?
There isn't much point to this post other than I didn't meet my goal of updating 3 times last week (I was sick all week & AJ wasn't 100% either so I spent a lot of time holding her while laying on the couch) and I want to do better at that this week. On the bright side (since this has mostly just been a real downer of an update) I weighed myself this morning and I am back down to 248 lbs. If I ever needed MORE proof that carbs are NOT my friend (read carbs as :junk food) that right there is it. I have had very few carbs since Thursday last week and here I am, already 4 pounds lighter! Maybe this will make passing up the carbs the next time I'm under the weather a little easier? Guess we'll see.
Friday, January 20, 2012
252.2 lbs...UGH!
Okay, I'm hating on myself right now. So be prepared for this to be a major whine-fest.
I had two sick kids last week. J & K both had a cold; cough, runny nose, slight fever. Which meant I had them both at home, being sick. Then, Friday was no school and Monday was a holiday. Meaning we basically sat around in sick germs for five days or so. When I started to have some sinus pressure on Saturday I was really hoping it was just allergies or maybe just a headache. No such luck. I was totally sick by Monday (maybe even Sunday night).
When I'm sick I don't work out. ESPECIALLY when I have a head cold. It is just pure torture! I already can't breath well and then throw in any exertion on top of that and it is misery. So I didn't work out at all this week. Then add in the fact that when I'm sick all I want is carbs and junk food and we have a recipe for a SIX POUND weight gain. Yes, you read that right, SIX pounds. Now you see way I'm hating on myself.
Anyway, I'm finally feeling better today and I'm GOING to work out, even if I accomplish nothing else today! I'm going to even double up my work out by doing the Biggest Loser UW and then doing minimum 15 minutes on my elliptical. I have high hopes that by the time I see my midwife for my postpartum check up (which is in just less than 2 weeks) I can see my weight at least in the low 240's. Maybe even in the 230's, that would be awesome!
I had two sick kids last week. J & K both had a cold; cough, runny nose, slight fever. Which meant I had them both at home, being sick. Then, Friday was no school and Monday was a holiday. Meaning we basically sat around in sick germs for five days or so. When I started to have some sinus pressure on Saturday I was really hoping it was just allergies or maybe just a headache. No such luck. I was totally sick by Monday (maybe even Sunday night).
When I'm sick I don't work out. ESPECIALLY when I have a head cold. It is just pure torture! I already can't breath well and then throw in any exertion on top of that and it is misery. So I didn't work out at all this week. Then add in the fact that when I'm sick all I want is carbs and junk food and we have a recipe for a SIX POUND weight gain. Yes, you read that right, SIX pounds. Now you see way I'm hating on myself.
Anyway, I'm finally feeling better today and I'm GOING to work out, even if I accomplish nothing else today! I'm going to even double up my work out by doing the Biggest Loser UW and then doing minimum 15 minutes on my elliptical. I have high hopes that by the time I see my midwife for my postpartum check up (which is in just less than 2 weeks) I can see my weight at least in the low 240's. Maybe even in the 230's, that would be awesome!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Remember that "full disclosure" I was talking about?
Well, here goes.
When I decided to REALLY get serious about getting healthy & fit after K was born 2.5 years ago I went to see a doctor. I talked about what I'd been doing up to that point (eating under 1800cal/day, working out 6 times a week) and the fact that in 3 months of doing that I'd only lost TWO pounds. We talked about different options I had for getting the weight off. One was to continue what I was doing for another 6 months, reevaluate where I was at and then sign me up for the lap band weight loss surgery. Another was to get a prescription for Phentermine, a prescription diet aid. I chose the second option.
In the first month of being on the Phentermine I went down 18 pounds. In the second I went down 13. Over 6 months I went from 240lbs to 180lbs. I went from a size 22 pants to a size 14 pants. I went from exercising so I could eat more to eating to live & exercising because it made me feel good.
And while I didn't keep it a secret I also didn't tell many people about the Phentermine. I wasn't embarrassed. I wasn't ashamed. I was afraid. I was worried that people would look at my using Phentermine as "cheating" or that I was too lazy to do the work of getting fit on my own. I didn't want people to look at me like a druggie either.
Anyway, I took Phentermine and I was happy with the results. I was so happy with the results that if I experience a similar difficulty in getting my weight down & reaching my fitness goals this time around I will be making an appointment with my doctor to explore the option of going back on the Phentermine.
So there you have it, full disclosure.
When I decided to REALLY get serious about getting healthy & fit after K was born 2.5 years ago I went to see a doctor. I talked about what I'd been doing up to that point (eating under 1800cal/day, working out 6 times a week) and the fact that in 3 months of doing that I'd only lost TWO pounds. We talked about different options I had for getting the weight off. One was to continue what I was doing for another 6 months, reevaluate where I was at and then sign me up for the lap band weight loss surgery. Another was to get a prescription for Phentermine, a prescription diet aid. I chose the second option.
In the first month of being on the Phentermine I went down 18 pounds. In the second I went down 13. Over 6 months I went from 240lbs to 180lbs. I went from a size 22 pants to a size 14 pants. I went from exercising so I could eat more to eating to live & exercising because it made me feel good.
And while I didn't keep it a secret I also didn't tell many people about the Phentermine. I wasn't embarrassed. I wasn't ashamed. I was afraid. I was worried that people would look at my using Phentermine as "cheating" or that I was too lazy to do the work of getting fit on my own. I didn't want people to look at me like a druggie either.
Anyway, I took Phentermine and I was happy with the results. I was so happy with the results that if I experience a similar difficulty in getting my weight down & reaching my fitness goals this time around I will be making an appointment with my doctor to explore the option of going back on the Phentermine.
So there you have it, full disclosure.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The Biggest Loser
I used to feel like the biggest loser and not in the cool, reality show competition way. I used to feel like I was just "destined" to be the fat sister.
I thought I was just "destined" to be a fat mom
And that was I was lucky to have a husband who would love the fat me for the rest of our lives.
After I had my 3rd child I decided to make a change. I didn't want to be the biggest loser, I didn't want to be the fat sister, mom or wife. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be fit. I wanted to look good & feel strong. With hard work, healthy eating and the assistance of my doctor I got pretty close to my ultimate goal. Then I got pregnant again and I gave up. I figured I was just going to have to lose weight anyway once my baby arrived so what was the point in keeping it in check? (here's the point, in case you're wondering: it is MUCH easier to get back to a healthy weight if you DON'T gain over 80 lbs during a typical pregnancy)
I did my physical assessment & first workout yesterday. It was NOT easy. It felt like I'd never worked out before a day in my life. It got me sweating & out of breath. And I can't wait to do it again.
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| Me (fatty in green on the right) with my beautiful sisters. |
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| Me with 3 of my kiddos |
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| Me & Mark~May '08~approx 225 lbs |
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| Me~May '08~approx 225 lbs |
Now that I'm almost 100% ready to get physically active again (I have my postpartum check up on February 2nd and I expect to be cleared for all activity at that point) I am figuring out how to get myself where I want to be. Part of that is The Biggest Loser.
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| Mark & my gift to ourselves for Christmas |
There you go, while I'm not the Biggest Loser (yet!) I'm also not the biggest loser. I'm not the fat sister, the fat mom or the fat wife (who is so lucky to have a husband who "loves her anyway"). I'm a healthy, fit, beautiful woman, in charge of my life & my health. You know what? It feels pretty good too!
Monday, January 9, 2012
Oh the weekend...
The weekend didn't start out too bad. I weighed in on Friday & saw that I weigh 250.4 (or was it 250.2? I can't remember for sure) for a total of 7 lbs released since I started keeping track. I feel pretty good about that! Then I took a shower and while I was drying off I noticed something not so good. In case you don't know I had my 4th child last month via c-section. It was my second c-section and my recovery has been going great. So great in fact, that I foolishly walked 3 miles last Thursday carrying AJ in the Moby (and she's over 10lbs now) and pushing K in the stroller. Well, that was overdoing it physically. Then I couldn't get in the shower right away and THAT created the perfect opportunity for an infection to set in in my incision. After having my suspicion confirmed by my midwife I am now on antibiotics for 10 days. She also made sure to remind me that I am supposed to SLOWLY up my activity level over the next few weeks. That means that my plan to start the Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout this week is on hold for another week or so. I will be adding in some light strength training (I bought a resistance band the other night that I want to use for some upper body work) and continuing walking & using the elliptical.
Then Saturday, what can I say? I started out the day really well. My mom stayed Friday night & we got up in the morning and with my mom's support I started some (badly overdue) organizing and cleaning. I felt pretty good for the most part and I got some good work accomplished. I was even eating well (I made a protein smoothie for breakfast and planned a healthy lunch) when I started to feel...bad. Feverish and achy and just overall NOT WELL. I have a bad habit when I'm not feeling well. And that is to eat JUNK, any and all the junk I can. I ended Saturday under my calorie goal but WAY over my carb goal.
I woke up Sunday feeling better but with new pain in my incision. I didn't even feel like I could get out of bed with my newborn. Thankfully Mark was able & willing to take care of her and I slept for a couple more hours. When I woke up again I used the bathroom and instantly felt better. And I learned that I'm still in the phase of c-section recovery that a full bladder = incision pain. Nice. Anyway, I got cleaned up & went to IKEA with my mom & AJ. Again, I was making good food choices and if you have ever gone to an IKEA store you know that it is like walking a few miles at a slow speed. Those stores are HUGE. Plus I was carrying AJ in my Snugli so it really felt like a workout. Well, I got home from being out with my mom and I started feeling hungry, really, really hungry. And I ate & I ate & I ate until I went to bed a little before 8 p.m. I didn't even track all my food because I honestly couldn't remember everything I ate!
BUT, today is the start of a new week and I am so grateful for the chance I have to make new choices. I have eaten healthy so far this morning and I am toying with the idea of taking the girls out for a walk rather than using the elliptical. Either way I am planning some exercise for today & that makes me feel confident.
So, here's to a new week full of good food choices, being active & seeing another weight release for my Friday weigh in!
Then Saturday, what can I say? I started out the day really well. My mom stayed Friday night & we got up in the morning and with my mom's support I started some (badly overdue) organizing and cleaning. I felt pretty good for the most part and I got some good work accomplished. I was even eating well (I made a protein smoothie for breakfast and planned a healthy lunch) when I started to feel...bad. Feverish and achy and just overall NOT WELL. I have a bad habit when I'm not feeling well. And that is to eat JUNK, any and all the junk I can. I ended Saturday under my calorie goal but WAY over my carb goal.
I woke up Sunday feeling better but with new pain in my incision. I didn't even feel like I could get out of bed with my newborn. Thankfully Mark was able & willing to take care of her and I slept for a couple more hours. When I woke up again I used the bathroom and instantly felt better. And I learned that I'm still in the phase of c-section recovery that a full bladder = incision pain. Nice. Anyway, I got cleaned up & went to IKEA with my mom & AJ. Again, I was making good food choices and if you have ever gone to an IKEA store you know that it is like walking a few miles at a slow speed. Those stores are HUGE. Plus I was carrying AJ in my Snugli so it really felt like a workout. Well, I got home from being out with my mom and I started feeling hungry, really, really hungry. And I ate & I ate & I ate until I went to bed a little before 8 p.m. I didn't even track all my food because I honestly couldn't remember everything I ate!
BUT, today is the start of a new week and I am so grateful for the chance I have to make new choices. I have eaten healthy so far this morning and I am toying with the idea of taking the girls out for a walk rather than using the elliptical. Either way I am planning some exercise for today & that makes me feel confident.
So, here's to a new week full of good food choices, being active & seeing another weight release for my Friday weigh in!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
a TRIUMPH today
I decided to put that in all caps because while it may seem small to some, for me it was HUGE!!!
I took little miss K & baby AJ to the store this morning around 11 to get a few things that i wanted/needed to have in my quest for my perfect body. I told K that if she was good we'd stop and get Wendy's on the way home. Now, before you yell at me let me tell you why I chose Wendy's.
#1 because they have chicken nuggets & french fries which is pretty much the only type of fast food K will eat (other than bean burritos from Taco Bell) and #2 because they have this super delish salad~Apple Pecan Chicken salad. I planned on getting the half size with a full chicken breast without the pecans (which are probably fine for my eating changes but I just don't like pecans). Made that way, with the dressing it was still under 300 calories.
Anyway, she was good, we got Wendy's and headed home.
When we got home I started putting K's food on a plate and as I got the fries out of the bag one fell out. Without really thinking about it I popped it in my mouth, like I've done probably THOUSANDS of times before. This time was different. Before I could start chewing it the thought came in my mind "is this one fry really worth what it will take to work it off?" and I realized that it wasn't! So I spit it out in the trash.
Now, like I said, that may not seem like a huge accomplishment but for me it REALLY is. I am guilty of mindlessly eating WAY too often. Actually THINKING about what I'm putting in my mouth BEFORE I consume it is a HUGE step for me, one I will work HARD to keep up.
So there you have it. My triumph for today. Here's to more tomorrow and every day after that!
I took little miss K & baby AJ to the store this morning around 11 to get a few things that i wanted/needed to have in my quest for my perfect body. I told K that if she was good we'd stop and get Wendy's on the way home. Now, before you yell at me let me tell you why I chose Wendy's.
#1 because they have chicken nuggets & french fries which is pretty much the only type of fast food K will eat (other than bean burritos from Taco Bell) and #2 because they have this super delish salad~Apple Pecan Chicken salad. I planned on getting the half size with a full chicken breast without the pecans (which are probably fine for my eating changes but I just don't like pecans). Made that way, with the dressing it was still under 300 calories.
Anyway, she was good, we got Wendy's and headed home.
When we got home I started putting K's food on a plate and as I got the fries out of the bag one fell out. Without really thinking about it I popped it in my mouth, like I've done probably THOUSANDS of times before. This time was different. Before I could start chewing it the thought came in my mind "is this one fry really worth what it will take to work it off?" and I realized that it wasn't! So I spit it out in the trash.
Now, like I said, that may not seem like a huge accomplishment but for me it REALLY is. I am guilty of mindlessly eating WAY too often. Actually THINKING about what I'm putting in my mouth BEFORE I consume it is a HUGE step for me, one I will work HARD to keep up.
So there you have it. My triumph for today. Here's to more tomorrow and every day after that!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Body Distortion
Or at least my mental image of my body is distorted. Is that the same thing?
Anyway, I was just reading on another blog (a friend from online she's in my sidebar~Our Family~) about how women are secretive about our weight. I have said to Mark before how it isn't like people can't just look at me & see that I'm fat. Even when I'm wearing clothes that fit & flatter my body, when I'm fat a person can tell. In fact, other people probably can tell BEFORE I can, because of this body distortion thing.
On the flip side of that I discovered that most people can't tell JUST how fat I really get at times. I know it isn't strictly "fat" when pregnant but I was pushing 300 pounds just 4 weeks ago. The only people who KNEW were the healthcare professionals at my OB's office and people I told my weight to. And now all of you reading this! I was 292 lbs at my last office visit before I went in for my c-section. That was on 12/05/11. AJ was born on 12/08/11 and by 12/31/11 I was already down to 257.4. That is almost 35 pounds released.
Well, AJ was nearly 10 lbs so that went as soon as she was born. Then there is all the fluid and "stuff" that goes along with being pregnant. From what I know that is another 10-15 lbs. I was retaining LOTS of water this pregnancy so as soon as THAT went away~BAM~35 pound weight release in 3 weeks.
Anyway, now that I'm working out and eating better I'm NOT worried about telling people my weight. I'm proud of every pound gone, even if the ones left are still high numbers. Because I'm working on it, I'm focusing on getting healthy and every pound gone means I'm that much closer to the healthy, physically fit woman I want to be.
I'll leave you with a visual of what nearly 300 pounds looks like on me. Enjoy?
Anyway, I was just reading on another blog (a friend from online she's in my sidebar~Our Family~) about how women are secretive about our weight. I have said to Mark before how it isn't like people can't just look at me & see that I'm fat. Even when I'm wearing clothes that fit & flatter my body, when I'm fat a person can tell. In fact, other people probably can tell BEFORE I can, because of this body distortion thing.
On the flip side of that I discovered that most people can't tell JUST how fat I really get at times. I know it isn't strictly "fat" when pregnant but I was pushing 300 pounds just 4 weeks ago. The only people who KNEW were the healthcare professionals at my OB's office and people I told my weight to. And now all of you reading this! I was 292 lbs at my last office visit before I went in for my c-section. That was on 12/05/11. AJ was born on 12/08/11 and by 12/31/11 I was already down to 257.4. That is almost 35 pounds released.
Well, AJ was nearly 10 lbs so that went as soon as she was born. Then there is all the fluid and "stuff" that goes along with being pregnant. From what I know that is another 10-15 lbs. I was retaining LOTS of water this pregnancy so as soon as THAT went away~BAM~35 pound weight release in 3 weeks.
Anyway, now that I'm working out and eating better I'm NOT worried about telling people my weight. I'm proud of every pound gone, even if the ones left are still high numbers. Because I'm working on it, I'm focusing on getting healthy and every pound gone means I'm that much closer to the healthy, physically fit woman I want to be.
I'll leave you with a visual of what nearly 300 pounds looks like on me. Enjoy?
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| 12/08/11~5:25 a.m.~approx 292 lbs |
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| 12/07/11~8:30 p.m.~approx 292 lbs |
Monday, January 2, 2012
My first 2012 "workout"
I am REALLY proud of myself. I have quite a bit of laundry to get caught up on, I'm running on around 3.5 hours of sleep and there was no way in HADES I was going to get out of the house for a walk around the neighborhood today.
So I got in my workout clothes, got my iPod and hopped on the elliptical for 20 minutes!
When my 20 minutes was over I felt really good. I felt like I could've gone for longer but had worked hard while I was going. I have MISSED that feeling!
This Thursday I can begin a "real" workout routine and while I know I'm healing well I am feeling like I'll wait until next Monday to start. Mark & I got ourselves the Biggest Loser: Ultimate Workout game for our Xbox Kinect for Christmas and I will start that.
I AM thinking that a run (read: slow jog with LOTS of walking) sounds good for Saturday. I am so excited to be back physically activity!
P.S. I have one load of laundry folded, one washed & in the dryer and another washed WAITING for the dryer. I'm choosing to feel good about that instead of dwelling on the 3 baskets of clean and dry laundry that still needs folding.
So I got in my workout clothes, got my iPod and hopped on the elliptical for 20 minutes!
When my 20 minutes was over I felt really good. I felt like I could've gone for longer but had worked hard while I was going. I have MISSED that feeling!
This Thursday I can begin a "real" workout routine and while I know I'm healing well I am feeling like I'll wait until next Monday to start. Mark & I got ourselves the Biggest Loser: Ultimate Workout game for our Xbox Kinect for Christmas and I will start that.
I AM thinking that a run (read: slow jog with LOTS of walking) sounds good for Saturday. I am so excited to be back physically activity!
P.S. I have one load of laundry folded, one washed & in the dryer and another washed WAITING for the dryer. I'm choosing to feel good about that instead of dwelling on the 3 baskets of clean and dry laundry that still needs folding.
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