I don't love shame. I appreciate it. I don't love putting pictures of myself, looking like THIS, out on the internet for all to see. But I do it. I don't love knowing that I was on a path that would take me directly to the healthy, fit, HOT body I've never had IN MY LIFE and that I decided to go off that path. But I admit when I've made a choice that doesn't work. I want to be accountable. I want to be healthy. I want to eat right, exercise daily and reach the goals I've set for myself.
So what's my major malfunction?!?
I looked at my "progress" pictures from April & while I'd like to believe it is the difference in the camera angle or the swimsuit I was wearing I can tell that my body is NOT going towards physical fitness and health & being thinner than I've ever been before. I have SEVERELY backtracked. In April I weighed around 175 (some days more, some less) and today I weighed 188.8. In April I was beginning to look to the day when I would be buying size 10 jeans (for, LITERALLY, the first time in my life). In April I felt good, I looked good and I KNEW what I was capable of. Today I look & feel GROSS. I am wearing size 14 shorts because my size 12 shorts feel uncomfortably tight. I regret getting rid of some of my fat clothes because I know that THEY would camouflage this chubby belly I've got going on from eating too many carbs.
I realized this morning that in about 4 weeks I will be seeing my sister, Olivia(who I love and adore SOOO much!) for the first time since last Thanksgiving. This is the same sister whose wedding pictures I felt I ruined by being so fat last summer. This is the same sister who I always wanted to be like when I grew up (and I still look to her as an example of beauty, grace & determination). I was ashamed to realize that I wouldn't be proud for her to see me like I look today. I was ashamed when I know all that she has overcome & accomplished in her life (most of it as a single mom) and I can't even overcome my poor eating & exercise habits when I have a husband who supports me (emotionally & financially), friends who encourage me & the knowledge to assist me in becoming someone I WOULD be proud for my sister to see.
After realizing this I got my poop in a group, got my girls dressed & we headed to the gym. I feel so good about the work out I put in that I am already ready to go again tomorrow! I am thinking of goals to set for myself so that I can achieve them. I am thinking of what food I'll eat & what clothes I'll wear. I'm back in the saddle!
I have some people to talk to first but I want to post my goals here so you all can ask me about them as time passes to assist me in keeping accountable. Watch for those in the next day or two. I plan to weigh myself weekly & this time I really AM going to take pictures of the scale & post those pictures here. I plan to be able to see my sister and be proud of the body I've created, the mind frame that will get me there & everything that goes along with that.
4 comments:
I am super proud of all you've accomplished already! You've come a long way and these minor setbacks are to be expected...just like said, simply dust yourself off and get back in the saddle and RIDE!
love you!
Maggie,
You should not be so hard on yourself. You don't know this but I tell my friends and family about how much you have accomplished all the time. Your determination and lifestyle change has impressed me the most out of all your sisters who set weigh loss goal last year. Everyone will back slide once, and a while. Just be grateful that you know not to keep sliding back to old habits.
And as much as I love Olivia. It's important that you know that you are accomplished and very special also.
Marian.K
you can do it, mag! you have done so much already and that is just awesome! and because you have already done so much, i know you can stick with it and accomplish the rest of what you are hoping to!
Thanks for all the positive sisters! You (plus mom & Erika, and Angela when she checks in!) are my "go-to" people when I'm feeling discouraged. I know you'll all tell me the truth and support me no matter what. I'm so blessed to have you!
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